“Don’t take it personally.”
It’s sort of like if someone said, “Don’t think of a purple elephant…”
That’s all I’m gonna do…
When I’ve told people about my own struggles with handling feedback, that’s usually what they say… “Well… don’t take it personally!”
GREAT advice… ::insert hard eye roll:: …but what usually follows is someone saying something that feels incredibly personal, and now I’m trying to breathe through your nose like a Zen monk while my brain is throwing a giant temper tantrum and screaming, “Why are they saying I suck? Don’t they know how hard I’m working on this!?”
If you’ve ever spiraled after a bit of feedback, you’re not alone.
And if you never spiral, you’re either lying or already enlightened. (Teach me your ways, oh wise one!)
I’ve been revisiting the book Thanks for the Feedbackby Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen.
It’s one of the most practical (and honest) takes I’ve found on how we receivefeedback, not simply how to give it.
That distinction matters to me… because so many times we hear how we ought to “give” feedback, but we can’t control when this feedback occurs… and if you’re moving up in your career or sticking your head out to do anything… EVERYONE makes it their business to tell you how to “do it”. (Even if they haven’t done so, themselves…. or as the book says, “Even if it is off base, unfair, poorly delivered and frankly, you’re not in the mood…”
The Feedback Trap
Most of us don’t struggle with taking feedback because we’re unwilling to improve. (That’s not my experience, and if you’re taking the time to read this newsletter, I’m guessing it’s not you, either.)
I believe that we struggle in this arena because we’re expecting one kind of feedback and getting another one entirely.
Stone and Heen break down feedback in three separate ways:
- Appreciation – “Hey, I see you. You matter.”
- Coaching – “Here’s something you could try differently.”
- Evaluation – “This is where you stand.”
The problem?
We walk into meetings wanting appreciation, walk out with coaching, or even worse, an evaluation.
(We were hoping for “Nice job,” but got a “You missed the mark.” No wonder it feels like a gut punch.)
On top of this, those giving us the feedback have either simply regurgitated an opinion they had, or aren’t willing to receive feedback on their feedback! (But wait… everything you just critiqued me on were things I told you in my own one-on-one with you…. So if I hadn’t said anything… would I have gotten a perfect score???)
Why Feedback Hits So Hard
Here’s why I struggle:
I want to grow. But I also want to feel accepted exactly as I am.
Feedback messes with both at the same time. It can feel like someone’s saying: You’re not there yet. And also, maybe you never were, and might not ever be able to…
Now I know that’s dramatic—but it’s how our brains interpret it, especially if you (like me) have a little (a LOT) of rejection sensitivity lurking under the surface. (Sidenote: Sometimes the root cause of this is ADHD… something I learned recently…)
How I’ve Been Learning to Take Feedback (Without Folding)
These are a few ideas I’ve taken from the book—and from my own experiences.
1. Identify your triggers.
Maybe it’s the “who” that’s giving the feedback.
Maybe it’s the “how”they say it.
Maybe it’s just poor timing. (“When”)
But if you are able to label what sets you off, you may begin to slow the spiral before it ever starts.
2. Ask: “What’s right about this?”
Don’t ask “Is this true?” or “Do I agree?”
But rather, “Is there somethinguseful here?”
Remember, you don’t have to accept all feedback. (You may decline and counter as well…)
What I don’t advise is dismissing it too quickly. (Thinking things like, “Oh… she’s just cranky all the time…” does not help you level up…)
3. Separate identity from input.
You are notyour job title.
You are not your last project.
You are not your mistakes.
Feedback is data, not a character assessment.
Work to separate it from “meaning” something about you.
After all, it’s simply someone’s perception of the work you’ve done. (And they may not have been paying attention…)
Growth Requires Friction
Here’s something that really made me feel good.
The better you are at your job or tasks, the more feedback you’re going to get. (Stop groaning…. let me finish…)
It’s not necessarily because you’re messing up, but usually it’s because people care! (Even if they decided to give you the feedback like… well… that…)
I get to train and coach individuals and teams through feedback breakdowns quite often and if you’re a leader struggling with either receiving or giving feedback, you owe it to yourself and your team to level up here, because communication isn’t just a nice soft skill—it’s quite literally the backbone of leadership.
Take some time today to identify some of the struggles you have with feedback.(And if you’re brave enough to share it here, I’ll make sure to reply with anything I’ve learned on my journey.)
And don’t think of a purple elephant. (Sorry… I couldn’t resist…)