You’ve probably been there…
Your heart’s racing.
You just read a text, an email, or got blindsided by a colleague in front of the board in a meeting.
Now, every cell in your body wants to fire back and hit them squarely in their stupid, smug grin… (Cause now they’re acting like they don’t know what they did… typical…)
I’ve been there too. (More times than I should probably admit.)
When it comes down to it, I’m pretty much just a giant neck beard in a trailer park once my emotions get charged up… (YEEEEEHAW!!!)
When your nervous system is in charge, your wisdom isn’t.
If you allow your lizard brain to hit “send”, your adult brain will have to come back and clean up the mess…
This is precisely why some of the most effective adults I know—mentors, managers, leaders, even me… on a good day… have a secret move that saves relationships, reputations, and a whole lot of regret:
We pause.
Not forever. Not to avoid.
Just long enough to make sure we’re a part of the solution… and not causing a bigger problem.
The Problem
I would argue that most of us are never truly taught how to deal with professional relationships when they break down.
Sure, we attend the one-week seminar… or hour-long keynote that addresses the issue, (Or watched a 7-minute Ted Talk….) but this should be like a full-semester class that you have to take regular refresher courses on…
When we are confronted with this moment, there are two edges to which our pendulum swings… Provocation and/or Passivity.
Provocation: We snap. We vent. We throw the emotional kitchen sink at the other person, and then wonder why they’re not texting back.
Passivity: We ghost. We disengage. Or worse—we roll over and say “it’s fine” when it’s anything but.
Both hurt the relationship. Both make you feel worse later.
Neither helps you become the kind of leader that people trust when things get hard.
The Alternative
Ambitious adults stop……………… before they react.
They don’t suppress how they feel— They simply don’t lead with it.
They get curious about their part in the relational breakdown.
They find a trusted confidant.
They buy themselves enough breathing room to respond, not simply react.
The Checklist
Before you respond to that email, message, or moment that’s about to light your fuse, put this checklist somewhere near your eye range so you can run through it. (Or better yet, memorize it as a mantra!!!):
- Did I pause to cool off?
- Am I about to provoke—or clarify?
- Am I disengaging out of fear or avoidance?
- Have I owned my own role in this?
- Do I need to consult a trusted advisor before I act?
Running through this list will shift your brain out of panic mode and back into your power. (And if it doesn’t, you ought to read it again… and again… and again…. and….)
The Final Thought
Being reactive is easy. Being intentional is rare.
Rare is valuable.
Whether you’re mentoring someone, managing a team, guiding a client, or just trying to have a day where your staff has not caused you to scream into a pillow— Slow down.
Speak with purpose.
People follow clarity, not chaos.
You’re not weak for pausing. You’re powerful for choosing your response.
Let’s be adults about our pauses. (The ambitious kind of adults… 😉)