Maybe I watched too many Disney movies as a kid.
Maybe I played too many team sports.
Maybe I listened to the DC Talk version of the Beatles’ Hit Song too many times… (Welcome to the freak show….)
Maybe I’m just an “askhole“.
I don’t know what it is about me, but I generally don’t have issues asking for help.
In fact, it’s the first move that I usually revert to.
Directions, instructions, guidance… doesn’t matter to me… I buck the trend of “men who won’t ask for help.” (I know… I’m odd… my therapist tells me every single week…)
Maybe it’s my inner child – always looking for an adult… (Settle down, Sigmund…)
Whatever it is, I’ve been thinking about this topic lately, and while in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, I studied this subject with Amy Davis and Melody Barooni and we taught our findings in a lunch-and-learn. (Go figure… I even asked for help teaching a class on asking for help…)
What’s up with that?
Why is this four-letter word so hard for people to use?
What is it?
The word “help” comes from the Old English word “Helpan” or the German “Helfen,” which means to assist or give aid.
In Greek, the concept of help is even more nuanced with terms like:
- Antilambano: To take instead of, or in turn
- Sullambano: To assist, take part with
- Sunantilambano: To take hold with at the side for assistance
- Boetheo: To come to the aid of
- Sumballo: To throw together
- Sunupourgeo: To help together, join in helping, to serve with anyone as an underworker
- Sunergeo: To help in work, to cooperate, coworker
(NOTE: This is why I always get so frustrated with the English language… The greek get 7 words for assistance and we get “help?” ::sigh::)
At Influential U, we recognize the importance of help.
In our primary program, “The Fundamentals of Transaction”, we emphasize that many of the most successful people in the world have only gotten where they are based on the help of people… MANY people.
Consider a couple of popular phrases for a moment. (Seriously… slow down for a second… just smile and breathe and read these…)
“No man is an island.”
“It takes a village.”
“Teamwork makes the dream work.”
“Many hands make light work.”
“Two heads are better than one.”
My gentle readers, surely YOU don’t need help… that’s for other people… ::insert gentle eye roll:: (Sorry for the “gentle reader” bit… lots of Bridgerton, lately…)
I thought it would be fun to look up how many times we talk about this four-letter word, and in fact, the word “help” appears over 110 times in our program materials. (So…. do you think I think it’s important? YUP!)
In fact, I’ve often told people that our entire program can literally be boiled down to learning to ask for help from people in “higher ecologies”. (Salespeople… I’m looking at you!)
If it’s so important to our success why is it… so… damn… hard… to… do…?
Why It’s So Hard to Ask
According to a CNBC article by Cory Stieg, people often struggle to ask for help due to psychological reasons.
M. Nora Bouchard, an executive coach, explains in her book “Mayday! Asking for Help in Times of Need”, that asking for help requires surrendering control and can make people feel uneasy. We often worry about being perceived as incompetent or imposing on others.
However, most people are naturally inclined to help when they are simply asked.
(Stop… read that again…)
…most people are naturally inclined to help when they are simply asked…
I love the word “autonomy”.
When pressed, most people will define this word as being able to do everything ourselves… when in reality, it is actually about having more help than one requires. (Think of all the sensors on autonomous vehicles… they’re getting TONS of help! Do you think these cars just built themselves???)
If we want to consistently reach long-term goals in the marketplace and in life it’s going to require support, guidance, and help from others.
So How Do I Get It?
Building a surplus of help is fundamental to surviving.
In fact, the people who are great at asking tend to not just survive… they… (UGH… I HATE THIS CLICHE…) …thrive.
I teach that to acquire valuable help, one must learn to give help.
This reciprocal exchange is fundamentally known as “transacting“.
It’s a “co-constitutive reciprocal exchange”. (I need you… you need me… we are both benefiting from one other. I am the walrus… kookookachoo…)
One way of feeling better about receiving help may be by offering help to others.
In business, I often give help by offering appropriate referrals to others and people will usually follow suit and give me one!
Many people love using this quote and STILL won’t follow it’s advice!
“You can have everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want.” – Zig Ziglar
We focus on the power of our environments—people, systems, and narratives, because our social ecologies significantly impact our ability to achieve results.
Surrounding ourselves with supportive environments and reciprocal relationships is crucial for success… so here’s some tips I’ve found to make it easier.
Practical Tips for Asking
- Know What You Want: Clearly define your needs and aims.
- Be Specific: When asking for help, be clear about what you need.
- Offer Help in Return: Create a reciprocal relationship where you also provide value.
- Build a Supportive Environment: Surround yourself with people who support and challenge you.
In Conclusion
Help is a powerful tool and it’s one that this “critter” known as a Human Being has used for millennia.
We can transform our relationships and environments to achieve more.
We just have to use this little… itty bitty… four-letter word. (And your mama won’t smack you with a wooden spoon when you use it!!!)
(P.S. I used the 4-letter word 35 times in this post… If that triggered you, or primed you to finally ask for some… hit me up and let’s chat! Here’s my link for a 15-minute Zoom coffee meeting. No better time to practice asking for help than the present, right?)